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When Children Tell Us: The Cost of Not Listening


When a child finally tells an adult that something is wrong, we often imagine a clear disclosure. We imagine a child sitting down and saying:


"I'm being abused."


In reality, that is rarely how disclosure happens. Children do not typically disclose abuse in a neat, organized, adult manner. Instead, they communicate through behaviors, fragmented statements, changes in mood, fear responses, withdrawal, aggression, running away, academic decline, somatic complaints, or subtle comments that adults may dismiss or overlook.


The difficult truth is that many children do try to tell us.

The question is whether adults recognize what they are saying.


Disclosure Is a Process, Not an Event


Research consistently demonstrates that disclosure is often a gradual process rather than a single conversation. Children may reveal small pieces of information over time, testing whether an adult is safe enough to trust. They may share part of their experience, watch the adult's reaction, and then decide whether it is safe to continue. Some children later retract disclosures because they fear consequences, worry about getting someone in trouble, or feel responsible for what might happen next (UPMC Children's Resource Center, n.d.).


This process can be frustrating for adults who are looking for certainty.

Children, however, are often looking for safety. Many children experience significant barriers to disclosure, including fear, shame, guilt, loyalty to caregivers, threats from perpetrators, concerns about family disruption, and worries that they will not be believed (National Centre for Action on Child Sexual Abuse, 2024). What may appear to adults as inconsistency is often a child navigating an impossible situation.


What Does Disclosure Actually Look Like?


Disclosure is not always verbal.


Sometimes it sounds like:

"I don't want to go home."

"Can I stay at school longer?"

"My dad gets really mad."

"I hate weekends."

"Don't tell anyone I told you."


Sometimes disclosure looks like:

  • Frequent nurse visits

  • Frequent bathroom breaks

  • Being unkempt

  • Unexplained injuries

  • Increased anxiety

  • Aggression or defiance

  • Withdrawal from peers

  • Shutting down in class

  • Falling asleep in class

  • Emotional outbursts in class with no visible trigger

  • Academic decline

  • Hyper-vigilance

  • Running away

  • Excessive perfectionism

  • Difficulty regulating emotions

  • Posturing adults (feelings of powerlessness)


Children may also disclose indirectly by talking about a "friend" who is experiencing something concerning, asking hypothetical questions, or revealing only portions of their experience.


As educators and helping professionals, we must remember:

Behavior is communication.

Many children communicate their distress long before they find words for it.


When Adults Doubt


There is a conversation that rarely happens in child protection work.

It is the conversation about doubt. As helping professionals, educators, parents, and caregivers, we often want to believe that we would immediately recognize abuse if it were happening. We want to believe that we would know exactly what to do.

The reality is often far more complicated.


When a child discloses abuse or concerning experiences, many adults experience uncertainty.


"Did I hear that correctly?"

"Could this really be happening?"

"Am I overreacting?"

"What if I am wrong?"


These questions are normal. In fact, many experienced educators, social workers, counselors, law enforcement officers, medical professionals, and parents have experienced these same thoughts.


I know I have...


As both a social worker and a mother, I remember moments when my own children began sharing difficult experiences. Like many adults, I found myself questioning what I was hearing:


"Is this really happening?"

"Am I understanding this correctly?"

"Could there be another explanation?"


Those questions did not mean I did not love my children.

They did not mean I did not believe them.

They meant I was trying to make sense of something painful that I did not want to imagine could be true.


Doubt does not mean you do not care.

Doubt does not mean you are failing the child.

Doubt simply means that you are trying to make sense of information that is often incomplete, frightening, and difficult to comprehend.


The goal is not to eliminate doubt.

The goal is to ensure that doubt does not prevent action.

Children should not have to prove their abuse before adults become concerned.


A disclosure is not a conviction.

A report is not a verdict.

An investigation is not an accusation.


These are mechanisms designed to ensure safety while determining what has occurred.

As adults, we do not have to know with certainty that abuse occurred. We only need enough concern to take the possibility seriously.


When faced with uncertainty, it is often helpful to ask:

"If this child is telling the truth, what are the consequences of doing nothing?"


For many children, the consequences can be devastating.

This does not mean abandoning critical thinking or due process. It means recognizing that protecting children requires us to tolerate uncertainty while prioritizing safety.

The most effective helping professionals are not those who never experience doubt.

They are those who continue to listen, remain curious, and act responsibly despite it.


The Invisible Backpack of Disclosure


I often talk about the "Invisible Backpack."

Every child walks into our classrooms carrying experiences we cannot see.

Some backpacks are filled with confidence, connection, and support.

Others are filled with anxiety, grief, hunger, fear, instability, trauma, or abuse.

What we often fail to recognize is that some children are carrying disclosures in that backpack as well.


Not fully formed disclosures.

Not always verbal disclosures.

But attempts to communicate.


A child who suddenly becomes withdrawn.

A student who begins acting out.

A child who never wants to go home.

A student who repeatedly visits the nurse.

A child who struggles to trust adults.

A student who appears angry at everyone.

A child who seems constantly on alert.


Many times, adults see the behavior but miss the message.

The behavior becomes visible. The burden remains hidden.


We respond to the disruption, the attendance concern, the incomplete work, or the emotional outburst without asking what might be driving it.


Years later, many adults who experienced abuse as children describe carrying that invisible backpack alone. They recall trying to tell someone, hoping someone would notice, or waiting for an adult to ask the right question.


Many never received the response they needed...

Some were not believed.

Some were dismissed.

Some were told they misunderstood.

Others disclosed only to be returned to the same environment where the abuse continued.


Over time, many children learn a painful lesson:

"If nobody listens, stop talking."


The result is not that the trauma disappears.

The backpack simply becomes heavier.

The anxiety remains.

The hyper-vigilance remains.

The shame remains.

The fear remains.

The child grows up, but the burden often comes along for the journey.


Research indicates that many survivors do not disclose abuse until adulthood, and some never disclose at all (Australian Government National Office for Child Safety, n.d.). For many, the delay is not because they had nothing to say.

It is because they did not believe anyone would listen.


The Role of Educators


Educators occupy a unique position in children's lives.

Teachers, school counselors, social workers, coaches, paraprofessionals, and school staff often spend more waking hours with children than many other adults.

As a result, schools frequently become the place where children first attempt to communicate that something is wrong.


This is why trauma-informed education is not simply about managing behavior.

It is about recognizing communication.


A trauma-informed lens asks us to look beyond the behavior and consider the story underneath it.


Instead of asking:

"What is wrong with this child?"

We ask:

"What is this child trying to communicate?"

That shift changes everything.


Listening Beyond Words


Children do not need adults who can perfectly identify every sign of abuse.

They need adults who are willing to notice.

They need adults who are curious instead of dismissive.

They need adults who recognize that disclosures are often messy, incomplete, and frightening.


Most importantly, they need adults who understand that disclosure is rarely a single moment.


It is often a series of attempts to determine whether someone is safe enough to trust.

The reality is that children have been telling us all along.


Sometimes through words.

Sometimes through behavior.

Sometimes through silence.


The question is whether we are listening.


Dr. Abigail Rebeske, EdD, MSW

EmpowerED & Thriving


References


Australian Government National Office for Child Safety. (n.d.). Responding to child sexual abuse disclosures. https://www.childsafety.gov.au/about-child-sexual-abuse/responding-child-sexual-abuse-disclosures


Childhelp. (2021). Handling disclosures.


National Centre for Action on Child Sexual Abuse. (2024). Understanding children's disclosure of sexual abuse. https://nationalcentre.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/Disclosure_Understanding-Childrens-Disclosure-of-Sexual-Abuse.pdf


Queensland Government Department of Child Safety. (n.d.). Recognising disclosures and respond to children. https://cspm.csyw.qld.gov.au/practice-kits/child-sexual-abuse/working-with-children/responding/recognise-disclosures-and-respond-to-children


UPMC Children's Resource Center. (n.d.). Understanding the disclosure process.



 
 
 
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